Serenity in Desire & Change
One of my greatest life lessons to date has been to accept the impermanence of life and to learn to focus only on what we can control.
Throughout my life’s continuous ups and downs, I’ve forgotten and rediscovered this lesson a handful of times. I have to remind myself of how desire takes control of our thoughts and actions, like puppets on strings.
Desire is like a never-ending pit filled with material wealth, people, and places. No matter how full our hands feel or how tightly we grasp things, we will never feel satisfied. The lack in our outer environment and the temporary highs keep us in a loop of dissatisfaction. The outer environment will always be changing. The opposite is our inner environment, in which we have the power to control.
I’ve experienced extreme burnout and exhaustion from my heavy ups and downs that shook me to my core. In times of deep depression, I felt like I was lacking so much that I wanted to give up on myself. In a way, I did through adopting a victim mindset and only prolonging my own suffering by attaching myself to these painful emotions and experiences. By avoiding the negative emotions instead of feeling and releasing, I dug myself deeper into what felt like a never-ending hole. I focused on everything except what I could control.
I only changed when I finally couldn’t live with myself anymore. I started to give myself more grace, and by doing so, began to heal and pay attention to my inner world.
I’ve also experienced harmonious times when everything seemed to be going my way. Such as when I was studying abroad. My inner world and confidence grew immensely through the means of solo travel. But I was also filled with so much external stimulus that I was overdosing on dopamine. I could see this effect especially during my visit to Khao Sok National Park in Thailand. The stunning lushcious mountain range and clear lake water lost its excitement and felt bland. I knew then it was time to head home, and upon returning. I felt as though I was experiencing withdrawal, because chemically, I actually was. It reminded me that all things come to an end, including the good.
Upon coming home from my journey abroad, I was struck by my personal reality. I had just graduated with my Bachelor’s, all my friends moved away, and I was going through a breakup. I was feeling unfulfilled and lost. Upon my search, I stumbled upon a tarot reader. Though I was skeptical, I was searching for any type of clarity and thought, why not? After disclosing my situation to the tarot reader, she suggested I frame the Serenity Prayer to remind myself of it daily.
Serenity Prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.” - Reinhold Niebuhr
I dismissed the prayer as just another cheesy quote. But a few days later, when I was thrifting for my new apartment, I found the Serenity Prayer framed. I couldn’t believe it. I knew it was a popular quote, but out of all the quotes, prayers, and pictures that could be there, it just happened to be the prayer she recommended. The prayer came at a time I needed to remember and embody this lesson the most.
Part of embodying this quote had to do with becoming aware of my unconscious self and how it was driving my actions and need for control. One observation that came to the surface was my abandonment issues. It was causing me to express my needs in unhealthy ways and limited the amount of comfort I felt when I was spending time with myself. Not being aware of this pattern caused me to fall into an anxious attachment style when it came to my relationships. I was completely unaware that this was even happening because I was paying zero attention to my inner world. It was only during a breakup that I forced myself to explore this realm of my psyche.
Through these negative and positive experiences in my life, I’ve learned to become aware of how much the need for control and power can persuade our reality. I’ve learned to focus my energy on only what I could control: my own inner state and reactions to the outside world. In doing so, I’ve developed a greater appreciation for my ups and downs. I’ve realized that the low points and difficult emotions in my life can be used as a tool for growth rather than hindrances.
During high points, I’ve learned to practice the art of letting go and to not cling too tightly to what I am receiving.
I’ve found beauty in the impermanence that is life, because if things stayed the same, there would be no movement. Like the spiral, I came to understand that I am always on a winding journey towards myself.